What’s next? What’s next? Okay, here’s what happens next…you resign from office now. Or Amanda goes on TV, tells her sad, sordid tale, there are hearings, you’re impeached, and you’re forced to resign from office. Your vice president…a moronic, right-wing nut job who thinks the tea party was founded to lower the yacht tax and who also seems to not quite understand that evolution isn’t an idea but an actual fact, but who cares? We won the scary states in the election… they’ll have a party now that their grand wizard is president. I’m pretty sure I’ll never see a legal marriage and women will lose their right to choose, but hey, whatever. We’re all Republicans, even if the new president will give Republicans a bad name.
You’ll leave in disgrace, go home to California, keep a low profile for a while, and then some fancy publishing house will pay you a fortune for a book, which you’ll write, only it won’t talk about what everyone really wants to know about… it won’t talk about your sordid affair with a White House aide. It’ll talk about policy and your thoughts on the economy, and it won’t sell because no one cares about your thoughts on policy and the economy anymore because you’re not the president anymore. What you are now is a joke on “Letterman.”
Mellie, a lovely woman, ambitious and strong, and, well, quite wealthy in her own right… she’s not gonna be circa 1998 Hillary on this. No, sirree. This is the 21st century. She’s gonna leave you and she’s gonna take your children with her, and everyone will applaud her, from the religious right to the women’s groups, because you’re a philandering pig who had a child out of wedlock, and we all know it’s true because we heard the tape.
You’ll be alone in your house in Santa Barbara, listening to old records and telling the same story over and over again to the poor sap not smart enough to get out of being assigned to your secret service detail. Then one day, about, oh, three or four years from now, you’ll step into your bathroom, take out that revolver your father gave you when you were elected governor, you’ll put it in your mouth and you’ll blow the back of your skull off.
Oprah’s retired now, so I guess I have to do a post-funeral interview with Barbara Walters. She’s nice. But, you know…You just go back to writing your own speech. That’s important. That matters.